Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
