we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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