My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
My vagina just recognized that song.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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