Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
