well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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