i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
