my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Randomize
