if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
