After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I hope mine doesn't look like that
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
