Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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