I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
