So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
