whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
