I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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