I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Randomize
