am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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