My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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