I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
