Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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