how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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