I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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