Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
