I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
