I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
