The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
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