when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
