I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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