watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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