dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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