shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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