Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Randomize
