do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Randomize
