Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
