Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
