Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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