She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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