im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Randomize
