all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
