420 ftw
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
