my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
