I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
