there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
