Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Randomize
