Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
My liver just had a heart attack.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize