I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
