She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
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