I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
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