i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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