u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
