When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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