I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
