My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
