I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
