We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
The uberlube is also flammable
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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