Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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