Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
