I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Randomize