Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i already hear my dad disowning me
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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