Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
